I think it’s irresponsible to ask or to tell people to reconsider their entire sense of self and suddenly start shitting out rainbows of positive optimism. At many junctures in my life, I’ve been told that I’m a “debbie downer”, that I’m too “critical” or “negative”. Fortunately, I don’t let haters get me down lol
I’m not someone you would call a “cheerful person” nor am I a mindless idealist. I hate to consider myself naive, even though I am in many aspects. I like to think I am “pragmatic” and “careful” and I’ve come to realize that a lot of it is simply based on my upbringing. This mindset has benefitted me enormously as it has helped me overcome much sadness and grief. It also helped me introspectively learn from my experiences, but I also realize that the people around me may or may not view my version of “pragmatism” with favourable light.
In comparison to some of my most beloved people, who radiate positive vibes, I’m often the grounding force, which can often come across as cynical, doubtful or untrusting.
It has taken me a long time to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with this. I’ve developed certain habits and ideas based on my experiences and to deny myself this, is a disservice to myself. However, I could not excuse myself for using this mentality as a way to get out of changing my ideas about life and living in a warped sense of fear. I found it too claustrophobic to be chained by my own ideas of what was good and bad. I had to take what I had and turn it into something that I could work with. I realized that no one could liberate me but myself.
In comparison to some of my most beloved people, who radiate positive vibes, it is far easier for me to be the grounding force that can often come across as cynical, doubtful or untrusting.
I’m still working on understanding how I can harness doubt, cynicism and angst with mindfulness instead of berating myself for not being a unicorn. I have to allow myself to feel miserable and then separate myself from the situation somehow to be able to understand and see that the thing/event/person on the other end of my hate also might feel the same way about me or has no clue at all. I have to remind myself that the ‘wrongdoer’ probably didn’t wake up that morning thinking that they’d make some chump miserable. I have been working it out of my system, complaining and whining the whole way but at the same time, struggling to keep empathy and understanding so that my sense of self or reality did not get distorted in the process.
One day, this will be me
I like to think that I’ve taken my pragmatism and made it a little more palatable, more relatable and more empathetic instead of being this “realist” with unchangeable ideals, living in fear.
It has been a couple of years since I’ve started doing this and only now it seems my “pragmatism” yields better results other than “Wow, you bring me down” or “Why are you so cynical?”. Not just for myself, but for the people that I love, I like to think that I’ve taken my pragmatism and made it a little more palatable, more relatable and more empathetic instead of being this “realist” with unchangeable ideals, living in fear.
credit: animated gif illustrated and animated by Justyna Babinska
