I think it’s irresponsible to ask or to tell people to reconsider their entire sense of self and suddenly start shitting out rainbows of positive optimism. At many junctures in my life, I’ve been told that I’m a “debbie downer”, that I’m too “critical” or “negative”. Fortunately, I don’t let haters get me down lol

I’m not someone you would call a “cheerful person” nor am I a mindless idealist. I hate to consider myself naive, even though I am in many aspects. I like to think I am “pragmatic” and “careful” and I’ve come to realize that a lot of it is simply based on my upbringing. This mindset has benefitted me enormously as it has helped me overcome much sadness and grief. It also helped me introspectively learn from my experiences, but I also realize that the people around me may or may not view my version of “pragmatism” with favourable light.

In comparison to some of my most beloved people, who radiate positive vibes, I’m often the grounding force, which can often come across as cynical, doubtful or untrusting.

It has taken me a long time to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with this. I’ve developed certain habits and ideas based on my experiences and to deny myself this, is a disservice to myself. However, I could not excuse myself for using this mentality as a way to get out of changing my ideas about life and living in a warped sense of fear. I found it too claustrophobic to be chained by my own ideas of what was good and bad. I had to take what I had and turn it into something that I could work with. I realized that no one could liberate me but myself.

In comparison to some of my most beloved people, who radiate positive vibes, it is far easier for me to be the grounding force that can often come across as cynical, doubtful or untrusting.

I’m still working on understanding how I can harness doubt, cynicism and angst with mindfulness instead of berating myself for not being a unicorn. I have to allow myself to feel miserable and then separate myself from the situation somehow to be able to understand and see that the thing/event/person on the other end of my hate also might feel the same way about me or has no clue at all. I have to remind myself that the ‘wrongdoer’ probably didn’t wake up that morning thinking that they’d make some chump miserable. I have been working it out of my system, complaining and whining the whole way but at the same time, struggling to keep empathy and understanding so that my sense of self or reality did not get distorted in the process.

_{One day, this will be me}

I like to think that I’ve taken my pragmatism and made it a little more palatable, more relatable and more empathetic instead of being this “realist” with unchangeable ideals, living in fear.

It has been a couple of years since I’ve started doing this and only now it seems my “pragmatism” yields better results other than “Wow, you bring me down” or “Why are you so cynical?”. Not just for myself, but for the people that I love, I like to think that I’ve taken my pragmatism and made it a little more palatable, more relatable and more empathetic instead of being this “realist” with unchangeable ideals, living in fear.

credit: animated gif illustrated and animated by Justyna Babinska

I love this outfit. The jeans cut off at right above my ankles and so I get to show off my sexy ankles or my extra cute socks (cause I only own cute socks obv) The sweatshirt is something random I found at a shop and bought for 1000yen ($10) 

It fulfilled all my shopping requirements i) cuteness factor (complete with nonsense french!) ii) ultimate comfort. iii) works with multiple outfits iv) affordable.

Also, here’s my bag of clothes that did not make the cut. I’m not a compulsive shopper or a clothes hoarder by a long shot, but I still put away 20-30 different articles of clothing (JUST CLOTHES! Not even accessories or undershirts or coats). 

How did I do it? …I just thought about what I wanted to wear for the next seven to eight days and if each piece of clothing worked with more than one outfit. 

My clothing count in this catalog is now up to 4.

Originally posted by tyjo-jishwa-imagines

…is that it’s depressing. It’d be a flat out lie to say that I don’t like shopping. I like it so much in fact that I need to take steps to curb it. On days when I feel like my life has been a real bummer, there is nothing a cute little dress won’t cure.

Originally posted by 1943newyork

Then comes the actual shopping. I’m by no means a petite lady but in the past 10,950 days I’ve spent on this planet, it has been a molasses-like realization ( a true understanding, not just ‘knowledge’) that the world has an idea of what I look like, what my body SHOULD look like and everything that I like has been catered to that ideal. Instead of buying clothes for my body and myself, I’m buying clothes that get me closer to that skewered ideal.

Instead of buying clothes for my body and myself, I’m buying clothes that get me closer to that skewered ideal.

And thus, I try on a multitude of cute dresses that grace the store shelves with their overwhelming cuteness that just… don’t look so cute on me. I tell myself “maybe you should just lose some weight instead of buying new clothes” or “maybe if your legs weren’t so stumpy or your shoulders weren’t so broad… ”

Rationally, I’m aware that I’m falling into that same ol’ trap but when I’m standing in front of the mirror and don’t like what I see, it doesn’t take long for me to convince myself that I’m full of regrets.

So here’s a real FK YOU to society. I’m taking back my wardrobe and my self-esteem that you want so badly. I will have my cake and eat it too… just.. at a much, much slower pace.

BEFORE

AFTER

My bookmarks have been a slow moving nightmare as I’ve accumulated hundreds of bookmarks since…well..since I can’t remember.

So now since I’m trying to reclaim my time spent fighting Facebook’s infinite scroll, I’ve decided to make good on my overdue desire to invest that time into more useful websites. That meant going through my bookmarks folder and slapping the dust off those awesome aggregator websites I told myself I’d go back to read. I’d bookmarked such a myriad of crap that I had to create folders to keep them organized. From “Propagating Succulents” to “Intro to WebGL and ThreeJS”, and everything in between were put into the “Misc & How To” Folder. So now at least all the randoms are in one place. They key was to keep the Folder titles super vague lol.

Perhaps one day I shall muster the courage to start creating sub folders, but for now, I just want easy access to the sites that are going to help me stay away from Facebook.